Yesterday I got an email from Youtube with the subject line "10 million people know the most popular guys on YouTube. Do you?". Well, no, I don't. This tugged at my curiosity (which I know was the purpose of the email). I gotta know who the most popular guys are (and also what kind of masculinity they're selling). I was hopeful it would be something awesomely positive (hey, I'm an optimist) but I was sorely mistaken. They're all just a bunch of cavemen, literally. See for yourself...
"What Guys Are Really Thinking"
In the first scene, a group are buddies are egging on one of their friends to go get a woman's number who's doing yoga in the park. He tells her is that his friends put him up to it and he promises her that he's not a creep. Then they replay the scene where the guy turns in to a caveman to illustrate "what he's really thinking". He just wants "bam bam", he's definitely creepy and of course she's clueless.
Basically the message is that guys pretend to act nice, but all they really want is sex and they'll tell you what they think you want to hear to get it. Great, guys have been reduced (again) to pathological liars and sex addicts who are incapable of genuine emotion and healthy relationships. Oh, but I bet it's just a joke guys, right? Right. I know they're capable of more so this is disappointing.
They go on to show you how they're not really listening to us when we (obviously only) talk about going shopping (stereotype), losing weight (stereotype), and fashion (stereotype). They'd rather stare at our boobs than listen to what we have to say, because, as they're insinuating, anything we have to say couldn't possibly be interesting.
When the date is over and she says she "has to do homework" but she'll "see (him) around" the caveman inside of him throws a temper tantrum saying it was a "waste of time" because he didn't get "bam bam". So, here we are again with yet another example of a male stereotype that no matter what they do, the ultimate goal is sex.
On the flip side, they show the female characters turning into cavewomen who say "You no try hard for bam bam, you no get bam bam" sending the message that women really want guys to pursue them even if they say no (Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!): FYI, "no" means "no" and "yes" means "yes", let's not get that confused. Too many guys have fallen for this myth that if they just keep harassing a girl long enough she'll cave in and give them sex. Just to clear that up, here are a few definitions everyone should learn: sexual harassment, sexual assault, rape. (BTW, plying someone with alcohol so you can have sex with them is rape.)
The "most popular guys on YouTube" couldn't help themselves but to wrap up their video with a few more stereotypes. "This girl want bam bam...and chocolate, and bubble baths, and shopping, and watch romantic movie with man-hunk Ryan Gosling". Hey guys, you've really got us pegged...he he, he he...NOT. I'm sure you don't all want to be categorized as a bunch of douchebag assholes so I'd appreciate it if you didn't stereotype us into a bunch of airhead shoe-crazy over-consumers. I do appreciate their acknowledgement that women like sex too. We can do without the stereotype that its something only guys want.
I'm sure the makers of this video probably thought they were just being funny, and maybe if we lived in a world where rape, sexual assault, or sexual harassment wasn't a problem then maybe...no, not even then would this be funny. What this "humor" and "boys will be boys" attitude really does is tell guys their just a bunch of sex-crazed idiots who are incapable of anything other than harassing women (so why even try to be anything but). There are lots of Good Men out there. Sure, there are guys whose main focus is when and where their next booty call is going to come from (mostly their the ones who've fallen for the stereotype) and there are guys who force themselves onto women (criminals). However, even though most rapists are guys, not all guys are rapists. Men are perfectly capable of having genuine human interactions/relationships that don't involve the pursuit of sex. These stereotypes are just holding those guys back from evolving with the rest of us.
To help our two sons avoid the pitfalls of this limiting/dangerous stereotype, my husband (an example of an awesomely good man) and I will teach them about healthy masculinity and how to identify and avoid those negative stereotypes of what it means to be a real man.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Friday, June 7, 2013
Even peaceful John Lennon sang about violence against women, but not in the way we'd hope.
Sitting in traffic on the way in to work recently, my husband and I randomly started talking about creepy lyrics in popular songs. He brought up "Run For Your Life" by The Beatles. I have to admit I've never heard the song. I know a LOT of Beatles songs but for some reason I missed that one. The lyrics are not only creepy but talk about straight up murdering a woman if she is caught cheating on him (in this case John Lennon who wrote the song). See for yourself:
Well I'd rather see you dead, little girl
Than to be with another man
You better keep your head, little girl
Or I won't know where I am
You better run for your life if you can, little girl
Hide your head in the sand little girl
Catch you with another man
That's the end, little girl
Well you know that I'm a wicked guy
And I was born with a jealous mind
And I can't spend my whole life
Trying just to make you toe the line
You better run for your life if you can, little girl
Hide your head in the sand little girl
Catch you with another man
That's the end, little girl
Let this be a sermon
I mean everything I've said
Baby, I'm determined
And I'd rather see you dead
Etc....
This was obviously written in a different time (1965) and the way in which we spoke about (or didn't speak about) violence against women was different. That doesn't make it right. Promoting or glorifying violence against women in any time, form or fashion is wrong. It is interesting to look back at this example (and I'm sure plenty others) from the perspective of where we are now in the movement for gender equality and ending violence against women and girls. The movement is by no means complete. There is still plenty to be done (just check out these stats and these too). However, now thanks to social media, we're able to call out sexism more publicly when we see it (Check out Hollaback's campaign to end street harassment) and get some positive results (Check out the #FBrape campaign that was a success). We at least have a more public avenue now for addressing this issue.
Like I said, there's still plenty to be done. There's that whole Rick Ross thing where he got called out for his lyrics that bragged about drugging and having sex with an unconscious woman (that's rape dude). By the way, alcohol is the number one date rape drug and is used in about 90% of cases of rape, so "molly" is not the only thing "guys" (I refuse to refer to rapists as "men" because real men don't rape.) are using to assault women. So when women are told to keep an eye on their drink (you know, because it's our responsibility to not be raped instead of guys being taught "Yo, don't rape."), while that's good advice in some cases, we should also be educating (well everyone) on the effects of alcohol. These "guys" are twisting our desire to have a good time ("Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!" Hello?!) into an opportunity to exert their power and control over our bodies. That's right folks, rape is about power and control. Sex is just the weapon. Don't buy that bullshit that guys just can't control their sexual desires.
The discussion about violence against women in music often talks about rap or hip hop. While it's true that there are examples in this genre of women being referred to as "bitches and hoes", sexually objectified or threatened with violence, there are examples in pop music too. Have you heard the latest Train song? Basically they'd rather say their girlfriend died in some horrible way than admit that she broke up with them. See for yourself:
Train - 50 Ways to Say Goodbye
My heart is paralyzed
My head was oversized
I'll take the high road like I should
You said it's meant to be
That it's not you, it's me
You're leaving now for my own good
That's cool, but if my friends ask where you are I'm gonna say
She went down in an airplane
Fried getting suntanned
Fell in a cement mixer full of quicksand
Help me, help me, I'm no good at goodbyes!
She met a shark under water
Fell and no one caught her
I returned everything I ever bought her
Help me, help me, I'm all out of lies
And ways to say you died
She was caught in a mudslide
Eaten by a lion
Got run over by a crappy purple Scion
Help me, help me, I'm no good at goodbyes!
She dried up in the desert
Drowned in a hot tub
Danced to death at an east side night club
Help me, help me, I'm all out of lies
And ways to say you died
Why this didn't catch national attention I'm not sure, especially given that the video shows the different ways she supposedly died. They even show her head (they at least used a dummy) getting knocked off by a car and then kicked around at a soccer game. Hello?!
So, I suggest we have an open discussion about music lyrics past, present and future and what messages they're sending about men, women and violence. I'm raising two boys and I worry about the outside influences that say violence against women is cool and just something "guys" do (you know, "boys will be boys"...barf) being louder than their Momma's voice telling them to be good men (Check out The Good Men Project for inspiration). I know that means I'll have to be ever more and vigilant about addressing things when they come up. I can't hide or protect them from all the negative media that comes their way, but I can talk with them about what it means. We LOVE music in our house which so there will be lots of opportunities for discussion I'm sure.
Jackson, my oldest who just turned 4, is already used to me "explaining" things to him. Just yesterday I told him not to put his loud duck toy right up to my ear and play the quack quack sound. He got all huffy and puffy and ran to his room. On his way there I asked him if he wanted me to explain to him why I asked him not to do that. He came running back in the living room all excited saying "Yes, please explain why." I was soo happy to have him react this way. That was the first time I had seen my efforts to explain things to him actually work. And once I told him how ears worked he understood and was happy again. He even showed me how he could hold it further away and play the funny noise for Momma without hurting her ears. Score one for Momma!
Like I said, there's still plenty to be done. There's that whole Rick Ross thing where he got called out for his lyrics that bragged about drugging and having sex with an unconscious woman (that's rape dude). By the way, alcohol is the number one date rape drug and is used in about 90% of cases of rape, so "molly" is not the only thing "guys" (I refuse to refer to rapists as "men" because real men don't rape.) are using to assault women. So when women are told to keep an eye on their drink (you know, because it's our responsibility to not be raped instead of guys being taught "Yo, don't rape."), while that's good advice in some cases, we should also be educating (well everyone) on the effects of alcohol. These "guys" are twisting our desire to have a good time ("Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!" Hello?!) into an opportunity to exert their power and control over our bodies. That's right folks, rape is about power and control. Sex is just the weapon. Don't buy that bullshit that guys just can't control their sexual desires.
The discussion about violence against women in music often talks about rap or hip hop. While it's true that there are examples in this genre of women being referred to as "bitches and hoes", sexually objectified or threatened with violence, there are examples in pop music too. Have you heard the latest Train song? Basically they'd rather say their girlfriend died in some horrible way than admit that she broke up with them. See for yourself:
Train - 50 Ways to Say Goodbye
My heart is paralyzed
My head was oversized
I'll take the high road like I should
You said it's meant to be
That it's not you, it's me
You're leaving now for my own good
That's cool, but if my friends ask where you are I'm gonna say
She went down in an airplane
Fried getting suntanned
Fell in a cement mixer full of quicksand
Help me, help me, I'm no good at goodbyes!
She met a shark under water
Fell and no one caught her
I returned everything I ever bought her
Help me, help me, I'm all out of lies
And ways to say you died
She was caught in a mudslide
Eaten by a lion
Got run over by a crappy purple Scion
Help me, help me, I'm no good at goodbyes!
She dried up in the desert
Drowned in a hot tub
Danced to death at an east side night club
Help me, help me, I'm all out of lies
And ways to say you died
Why this didn't catch national attention I'm not sure, especially given that the video shows the different ways she supposedly died. They even show her head (they at least used a dummy) getting knocked off by a car and then kicked around at a soccer game. Hello?!
So, I suggest we have an open discussion about music lyrics past, present and future and what messages they're sending about men, women and violence. I'm raising two boys and I worry about the outside influences that say violence against women is cool and just something "guys" do (you know, "boys will be boys"...barf) being louder than their Momma's voice telling them to be good men (Check out The Good Men Project for inspiration). I know that means I'll have to be ever more and vigilant about addressing things when they come up. I can't hide or protect them from all the negative media that comes their way, but I can talk with them about what it means. We LOVE music in our house which so there will be lots of opportunities for discussion I'm sure.
Jackson, my oldest who just turned 4, is already used to me "explaining" things to him. Just yesterday I told him not to put his loud duck toy right up to my ear and play the quack quack sound. He got all huffy and puffy and ran to his room. On his way there I asked him if he wanted me to explain to him why I asked him not to do that. He came running back in the living room all excited saying "Yes, please explain why." I was soo happy to have him react this way. That was the first time I had seen my efforts to explain things to him actually work. And once I told him how ears worked he understood and was happy again. He even showed me how he could hold it further away and play the funny noise for Momma without hurting her ears. Score one for Momma!
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world...
...Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."
Margaret Mead was so right and today is just another example of how right she was. If you follow any feminist groups on Twitter then you've heard about the #FBrape campaign. Let me break it down for you...
Basically there are a bunch of A-holes on Facebook creating groups or posting memes and pictures celebrating and promoting violence against women. Rape, domestic violence, you name it, it's out there either in the form of a "joke" (they must have missed school the day they explained what a joke is) or flat out hate speech toward women. Complaints had been made to Facebook and they would respond with some reference to freedom of expression and speech. We all love and appreciate our right to free speech, but when it promotes violence against anyone is when we need to draw the line.
So, since Facebook wasn't responding to complaints filed by following their rules a group of feminists took things into their own hands and tried a different attention getting approach. Since the all-mighty dollar is what tends to get companies' attention in our society WAM! (Women, Action & the Media) and Everyday Sexism along with other feminist groups and individuals brought their concerns to companies advertising on Facebook. Ingenious idea! No company wants to be associated with such violence and hate speech (well, the good companies anyway), right?
First they wrote an open letter to Facebook then proceeded to take screenshots of advertisements from various companies that popped up alongside these offensive pictures on Facebook and sent them to those companies via Twitter. The companies were asked things like:
This went on for a week with 15 companies pulling their ads before Facebook responded with this post. Victory! Not only are they going to review their current guidelines and update them to include the discrimination that women face, give their complaint reviewers better training, and work with members from some of the groups spearheading this campaign to collaborate on best practices for responding to this type of hate speech, but they're also going to make the creators of the hateful content accountable! Evidently they've started this last piece already. Those who originally post these memes or pictures promoting or celebrating violence against women will have to put their name with it so people can respond directly to them. Reportedly this has already deterred some people from posting such things.
I am inspired by the strength and ingenuity of feminists (both female and male) in the social media world who have taken Facebook to task. What's even more awesome is that now that the Library of Congress is archiving tweets this whole movement/process/victory will forever be documented in our history! Wouldn't it be great if the LOC would highlight in a special entry this campaign and its accomplishments in their archives? One day maybe they'll teach that in the history books!
So, when you're feeling down and thinking that change is impossible, remember Margaret Mead's words and the tweets of feminists from this campaign. You too can make a difference!
Margaret Mead was so right and today is just another example of how right she was. If you follow any feminist groups on Twitter then you've heard about the #FBrape campaign. Let me break it down for you...
Basically there are a bunch of A-holes on Facebook creating groups or posting memes and pictures celebrating and promoting violence against women. Rape, domestic violence, you name it, it's out there either in the form of a "joke" (they must have missed school the day they explained what a joke is) or flat out hate speech toward women. Complaints had been made to Facebook and they would respond with some reference to freedom of expression and speech. We all love and appreciate our right to free speech, but when it promotes violence against anyone is when we need to draw the line.
So, since Facebook wasn't responding to complaints filed by following their rules a group of feminists took things into their own hands and tried a different attention getting approach. Since the all-mighty dollar is what tends to get companies' attention in our society WAM! (Women, Action & the Media) and Everyday Sexism along with other feminist groups and individuals brought their concerns to companies advertising on Facebook. Ingenious idea! No company wants to be associated with such violence and hate speech (well, the good companies anyway), right?
First they wrote an open letter to Facebook then proceeded to take screenshots of advertisements from various companies that popped up alongside these offensive pictures on Facebook and sent them to those companies via Twitter. The companies were asked things like:
 |
| Screenshot linked here: http://www.womenactionmedia.org/cms/assets/uploads/2013/05/vistaprintfacebook.jpg |
 |
| Screenshot linked here: http://www.womenactionmedia.org/cms/assets/uploads/2013/05/Dove-advert-current-1.jpg |
This went on for a week with 15 companies pulling their ads before Facebook responded with this post. Victory! Not only are they going to review their current guidelines and update them to include the discrimination that women face, give their complaint reviewers better training, and work with members from some of the groups spearheading this campaign to collaborate on best practices for responding to this type of hate speech, but they're also going to make the creators of the hateful content accountable! Evidently they've started this last piece already. Those who originally post these memes or pictures promoting or celebrating violence against women will have to put their name with it so people can respond directly to them. Reportedly this has already deterred some people from posting such things.
I am inspired by the strength and ingenuity of feminists (both female and male) in the social media world who have taken Facebook to task. What's even more awesome is that now that the Library of Congress is archiving tweets this whole movement/process/victory will forever be documented in our history! Wouldn't it be great if the LOC would highlight in a special entry this campaign and its accomplishments in their archives? One day maybe they'll teach that in the history books!
So, when you're feeling down and thinking that change is impossible, remember Margaret Mead's words and the tweets of feminists from this campaign. You too can make a difference!
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
"Who run the world? Girls!"
This past weekend I presented a workshop for the Old Dominion University Community Development Corporation Conference for Girls and Young Women. This is the 5th year of the Conference and the second time I've presented a workshop for it. Last time I talked about body image and the media, something I'm very passionate about bringing awareness to.
This year I wanted to focus on bullying between girls. There has been so much in the news about fighting between girls and kids hurting themselves or others because they were bullied. I called my workshop "Girlfriends" and focused on how to be a great friend instead of "don't bully". You catch more flies with honey than vinegar, right?
I talked to two groups of girls about how to help your friend have positive body image. I encouraged them to tell their friends things that they like about them that are not related to how they look. They were really engaged and gave lots of examples of what they liked about their friends (their good attitude, their humor, they're there for them when they need them, etc...) I suggested that by focusing on the positive things not related to their appearance their friend would learn to value themselves outside of how they look. We also talked about how women and girls are portrayed in the magazines and TV and how that focus makes us feel like we aren't beautiful or good enough. Some of them didn't know about Photoshop and were pretty surprised that the models don't even look like that in real life.
By helping their friend focus on the positives and not on their looks, I suggested that their true friends would do the same for them. This would help them weed through the not so good friends who made them feel bad about themselves. You could see that they were really excited to try this out with their friends. One group of three were all best friends and I heard them whisper things they liked about each other while I was talking. I let that one slide because it was so sweet. :-)
I introduced them to Operation Beautiful and had them make their own sticky notes. They really loved this. Everybody likes arts and crafts! I gave them just a few examples and they ran with it. Instead of making just one they made 4 or 5 each because they were so excited about the idea. This is one of my favorite things to talk to people about. It's so inspiring and easy to do! (Awesome idea Caitlin!) I told them about how when this was done at ODU with the college students someone posted a photo on
Instagram of one of the sticky notes they were handed with the caption "this instantly made my day". They were excited that they could make a difference this way.
I also showed them the trailer for the Finding Kind documentary. In the clip it talked about how so many girls experience being picked on by another girl and how much it really hurts. The room got very quiet and I could tell that some if not all fo them had experienced this. I encouraged them to talk to their parents or caregivers, guidance counselors or teachers at school so they could get help in addition to talking it out with their friends. (Great idea Lauren & Molly!)
I asked them if they were on Facebook and all of them raised their hands. The age range was 10-13 and they're all on Facebook! I don't know why that surprised me. LOL Anyway, we talked about the quality of friends not the quantity, especially when it comes to Facebook. You can have 400 friends on Facebook but only a handful of them are usually your good friends. We discussed how to stay safe online (blocking people, not sharing too much information and upping their privacy settings) and how social media is a place where a lot of girls get bullied these days. I encouraged them to only post positive things about each other and they will see how their real friends will do the same for them.
I did mention to them how holding those feelings of being bullied inside can cause some people to hurt themselves or others and that is why they need to get help. Part of being a good friend is also letting an adult know if your friend is being bullied. I think with any difficult topic like bullying it's easier to think about getting help for a friend than for yourself. I told them that they certainly wouldn't want anyone to bully their friend so why would the let someone do it to themselves.
We talked about encouraging our friends to pursue their dreams, help them identify potential barriers to reaching their goals and helping them find ways around those barriers. I asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up and got a diverse range of answers: engineer, cosmetologist, track star, lawyer, doctor, and nail technician. I introduced them to Girls Can't What? and talked about how women and girls are still sometimes discouraged from pursing their dreams in certain fields because they are female but to not listen to the haters and go after what they want in life. They loved this too, especially that they could get shirts and bags and things with the logo showing girls doing the things they are doing or want to do. (Great idea Gretchen! Not me, by the way, another Gretchen.)
We closed by making friendship cards for their best friends. They were to tell their friend everything they liked about being their friend that had nothing to do with their looks or popularity. They really got into this too. There was this group of three girls who were best friends and it was heartwarming to watch them exchange and read their cards.
It went really well and I got hugs at the end! I love hugs but I was totally not expecting them. Doing this workshop was so fulfilling for me. I could tell not only by their body language but also from their comments how all the things we talked about really hit home for them. I felt like I might have made a difference in some of their lives and for me that is reaching my dream. I want all girls to feel like there's nothing stopping them from being who they want to be, just like how I felt when I was growing up thanks to my super awesome mom and encouraging dad. I also want them to treat each other with kindness because there is already so many barriers to their success that we don't need to hold each other down. So, if you have any girls in your life, encourage their dreams and tell them how awesome they are, not just beautiful.
This year I wanted to focus on bullying between girls. There has been so much in the news about fighting between girls and kids hurting themselves or others because they were bullied. I called my workshop "Girlfriends" and focused on how to be a great friend instead of "don't bully". You catch more flies with honey than vinegar, right?
I talked to two groups of girls about how to help your friend have positive body image. I encouraged them to tell their friends things that they like about them that are not related to how they look. They were really engaged and gave lots of examples of what they liked about their friends (their good attitude, their humor, they're there for them when they need them, etc...) I suggested that by focusing on the positive things not related to their appearance their friend would learn to value themselves outside of how they look. We also talked about how women and girls are portrayed in the magazines and TV and how that focus makes us feel like we aren't beautiful or good enough. Some of them didn't know about Photoshop and were pretty surprised that the models don't even look like that in real life.
By helping their friend focus on the positives and not on their looks, I suggested that their true friends would do the same for them. This would help them weed through the not so good friends who made them feel bad about themselves. You could see that they were really excited to try this out with their friends. One group of three were all best friends and I heard them whisper things they liked about each other while I was talking. I let that one slide because it was so sweet. :-)
I introduced them to Operation Beautiful and had them make their own sticky notes. They really loved this. Everybody likes arts and crafts! I gave them just a few examples and they ran with it. Instead of making just one they made 4 or 5 each because they were so excited about the idea. This is one of my favorite things to talk to people about. It's so inspiring and easy to do! (Awesome idea Caitlin!) I told them about how when this was done at ODU with the college students someone posted a photo on
I also showed them the trailer for the Finding Kind documentary. In the clip it talked about how so many girls experience being picked on by another girl and how much it really hurts. The room got very quiet and I could tell that some if not all fo them had experienced this. I encouraged them to talk to their parents or caregivers, guidance counselors or teachers at school so they could get help in addition to talking it out with their friends. (Great idea Lauren & Molly!)
I asked them if they were on Facebook and all of them raised their hands. The age range was 10-13 and they're all on Facebook! I don't know why that surprised me. LOL Anyway, we talked about the quality of friends not the quantity, especially when it comes to Facebook. You can have 400 friends on Facebook but only a handful of them are usually your good friends. We discussed how to stay safe online (blocking people, not sharing too much information and upping their privacy settings) and how social media is a place where a lot of girls get bullied these days. I encouraged them to only post positive things about each other and they will see how their real friends will do the same for them.
I did mention to them how holding those feelings of being bullied inside can cause some people to hurt themselves or others and that is why they need to get help. Part of being a good friend is also letting an adult know if your friend is being bullied. I think with any difficult topic like bullying it's easier to think about getting help for a friend than for yourself. I told them that they certainly wouldn't want anyone to bully their friend so why would the let someone do it to themselves.
We talked about encouraging our friends to pursue their dreams, help them identify potential barriers to reaching their goals and helping them find ways around those barriers. I asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up and got a diverse range of answers: engineer, cosmetologist, track star, lawyer, doctor, and nail technician. I introduced them to Girls Can't What? and talked about how women and girls are still sometimes discouraged from pursing their dreams in certain fields because they are female but to not listen to the haters and go after what they want in life. They loved this too, especially that they could get shirts and bags and things with the logo showing girls doing the things they are doing or want to do. (Great idea Gretchen! Not me, by the way, another Gretchen.)
We closed by making friendship cards for their best friends. They were to tell their friend everything they liked about being their friend that had nothing to do with their looks or popularity. They really got into this too. There was this group of three girls who were best friends and it was heartwarming to watch them exchange and read their cards.
It went really well and I got hugs at the end! I love hugs but I was totally not expecting them. Doing this workshop was so fulfilling for me. I could tell not only by their body language but also from their comments how all the things we talked about really hit home for them. I felt like I might have made a difference in some of their lives and for me that is reaching my dream. I want all girls to feel like there's nothing stopping them from being who they want to be, just like how I felt when I was growing up thanks to my super awesome mom and encouraging dad. I also want them to treat each other with kindness because there is already so many barriers to their success that we don't need to hold each other down. So, if you have any girls in your life, encourage their dreams and tell them how awesome they are, not just beautiful.
Monday, May 13, 2013
You Can't Touch This!
So recently I read an article on The Good Men Project about how to talk to your kids about sex/consent from age 1-21. It sounds scary and everyone I've told about this the initial facial expression is usually "Wha? Are you kidding me?" Listen, they're not promoting telling your kids what goes where and how to please your partner. That would be inappropriate These are good guys. The idea is to start out talking to your kids about consent. This is crucial. I work on a college campus and I know the issues students have with consent. I see the results of not understanding that a person cannot give consent if they're passed out drunk.
Anyway, since my oldest is about to turn 4 on Wednesday (Happy Birthday Jackson!) I figured if the opportunity arose I would start the conversation. Here's is what the article said for his age:
"4. Teach your kids that “no” and “stop” are important words and should be honored. One way to explain this may be, “Sarah said ‘no’, and when we hear ‘no’ we always stop what we’re doing immediately. No matter what.”
Also teach your child that his or her “no’s” are to be honored. Explain that just like we always stop doing something when someone says “no”, that our friends need to always stop when we say “no”, too. If a friend doesn't stop when we say “no,” then we need to think about whether or not we feel good, and safe, playing with them. If not, it’s okay to choose other friends.
If you feel you must intervene, do so. Be kind, and explain to the other child how important “no” is. Your child will internalize how important it is both for himself and others."
The next day I was giving Jackson his bath and the opportunity presented itself. I was playing Pandora on shuffle and MC Hammer's "You Can't Touch This" came on. He'd heard this song and we'd danced to it before. It clicked that this song would help me talk to him about consent. Recently he didn't want me to wash his penis because he said it tickled so I told him he was not in charge of keeping it clean and handed him the washcloth. He was excited about having this responsibility so I figured he'd be open to the rest of the conversation. Here's how it went down:
Me: "You know, this song is a good way for you to learn something new."
Him: What's that?
Me: Remember how I said that Mommy wasn't going to wash your "pee pee" for you anymore? Well, no one but you should touch your "pee pee". So if anyone every tries to touch you there, you can say "Stop! You can't touch this!"
Him: Yeah, and then I can just dance out of the room!
LOL! I was totally not expecting that reaction from him. I had to stop from laughing too much so he wouldn't think what I was saying was a joke. I wanted to roll on the floor laughing though because I could just see him trying to dance like MC Hammer out of a room.
I also talked to him about what "stop" meant and how when Mommy or Daddy telling him to stop doing something then he should stop right away and he should expect the same thing when he tells someone to stop.
So, it went well and I'm optimistic that our future conversations will go as well. My next challenge for myself and my husband....using the correct terms. No more "pee pee" or "wee wee". It's a penis. And if I can talk to students about vaginas, I should be able to use the word penis when educating my son about his body.
In other news, he has just this week learned to stand up to pee all by himself! It's the little victories...
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Girl Code: "Slut"
Today I stumbled upon the MTV show "Girl Code". I like this show. There are some things that either I don't agree with or just don't apply to me (like the segment on makeup) but I love the honesty and humor of these women. They're sassy!
The episode I watched had a segment on "Slut" and it got me thinking about the UnSlut Project that I also just recently became aware of. Contrary to popular belief, women like sex too and should be free to have consensual sex with whoever they want, whenever they want and not feel ashamed. It's 2013 so let's evolve and get rid of the stereotype that women who have lots of sex are bad while guys who have lots of sex are studs. Who do they think these "studs" are having sex with? (Unless they're homosexual of course.)
In my Language, Gender and Power class as an undergrad our teacher asked us to list all the names for guys who have a lot of sex and also a list for women who do the same. The result? All the names for these guys were positive and all the names for these women were negative. Not cool.
This week is Clitoris Awareness Week and this very educational video tells us the fact that the clitoris' only function is for pleasure. Men don't have this. What does that tell you? We've been duped! Society has been trying to oppress women's sexual pleasure because it's so powerful. Women's bodies are powerful and that power has for many women been untapped because we're distracted by all the things we're told we're supposed to be or ways we're supposed to look to fit in or be liked.
I say open your eyes girls! Get to know your bodies and what makes you tick. Speak up for your own pleasure when you're with a partner. You, and they, will be so much happier for it.
P.S. Think twice before you call another girl a slut as an insult. Girls just wanna have fun, right? Instead how about saying "Yo go girl!". Yes, it's corny/cliche, but unless they're hurting you, remember that they have feelings too.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Appearance
I had lunch with a friend this week that gave me a different perspective on "appearance". Before I go further, you need to know a few things about me so you will better understand the context for this conversation.
I grew up in the country in a small town that had about 600 people. There were farms all around and the only traffic jams we would have would be during harvesting or planting time when the humongous tractors would drive 5 mph down the main road. I spent all my time outside playing in the woods with my yellow lab following closely behind. I would go barefoot the majority of the time and stomp through mud puddles.
For me, clothes were just something to cover up the necessary "private" parts but other than that were for comfort and functionality. I wore baggy t-shirts and jeans or shorts. I would only get "nice" clothes for special occasions or at the beginning of the school year. My parents mostly picked those out for me. I would have stuck with the t-shirts and jeans otherwise. I was required to wear a dress to church every Sunday until about high school when I discovered I could wear dress slacks instead. I didn't hate clothes, but I didn't care much about them either. Its not like I want to walk around naked, I just didn't focus a lot on how clothes make me appear to others.
At some point, probably at the end of middle school when I had my first date, I started to feel the pressure to "dress up". I had probably felt some of it before that but basically didn't give a rat's ass. Maybe it was puberty and the hormones that made me give in a little at first. Maybe it was all of a sudden having to very close best friends who were testing out makeup and styling their clothes. It was never said by anyone that I had to dress a certain way. It was sort of implied by the disapproving stares or the indirect conversations around me. No one picked on me for how I dressed. I was friends with or nice to everyone and also kind of a tomboy so they either liked me or left me alone.
This week my 10 month old pulled all our DVDs and picture albums out of the cabinet. My mom who was keeping them at the time was able to put all of it back except for one album that just wouldn't fit. I found it when I got home and flipped through it. I was amused at the way my parents dressed me (and my bi-level/mullet) when I was little. It was the 80's so there was some ridiculous stuff going on fashion wise. (BTW, who's idea was it to bring that style back?!)
I was and still do feel just fine about how I dressed myself growing up. I dressed for me, not for someone else. When I was told to dress "nice"by someone else, I was the most uncomfortable. Somewhere along the way it because something I had to do in order to get respect from others. It was probably when I got my first job. Business casual was the requirement for most of my jobs. It was only when I interned at the paper mill that I got to wear my t-shirt and jeans. I was more comfortable working in the mill in my bright orange t-shirt and jeans where there was possible danger all around than walking around in my "dressy" clothes asking people if they needed help finding something.
Even today, I am most comfortable (and more productive) on casual Fridays when I get to wear jeans than the rest of the week in my business casual outfits. Even the word has a different meaning for me. I'd rather wear a "get-up" than an "outfit". "Get-ups" were what my mom would call whatever it was that I would throw on in the morning to head outside to play. When I wear "get-ups" it's what I'm going to do that's important. When I have to wear "outfits" it's my appearance that's important. This is where I have an issue.
No one has said anything to me, but I've made a few observations over the years. I mostly wear black pants, black flats, and some sort of plain color shirt. I didn't realize until recently that what I was doing was my own version of a get-up/outfit. Wearing "dressy" enough clothes so I fit in, but not so much that draws attention to myself. For me it's about the work that I'm doing that I'm most concerned with because what I'm doing is something that I'm passionate about. It's not because I don't care about myself that I dress the way I do. In fact, it's because I care more about myself than what anyone else thinks of my appearance that I dress the way I do. This does not mean that I think everyone should dress this way. I can appreciate a cool outfit that you've put together. I just don't feel the need to point it out because your appearance is not what matters to me. I care about what you have to say and what's in your heart. However, at the same time I understand that we are all a product of our society and society states that we should comment on women's appearance because obviously it's what gives them value. I understand that this is something that even the most confident of feminists may struggle with.
So back to lunch with my friend... We were talking about how we dress being about how we "present" ourselves. I was struggling to explain to her that it is my words and actions that I use to "present" myself, not the clothes I wear. I understand that because of our society people will make certain assumptions about me because of the clothes I wear. I can't go around worrying about what other people think because even if I tried my hardest to go with current fashion trends, you can't change people's perceptions to be what you want them to be. I just have to do me. And that is what I will do. And you know what, you can do you too. Whatever you are most comfortable in, go with it. If you are most comfortable wearing the latest trends and shoes that when you take them off your feet throb, go right ahead. You will not hear any judgement from me. We are all on our own journeys and, not to sound selfish, I am only concerned about my journey. I am certainly happy to talk with you about your journey and the things you like and think. However, I'm not going to try to convince you to follow my same path or dress the same as me, so please don't try to do that to me and we'll be cool. Peace. :-)
I grew up in the country in a small town that had about 600 people. There were farms all around and the only traffic jams we would have would be during harvesting or planting time when the humongous tractors would drive 5 mph down the main road. I spent all my time outside playing in the woods with my yellow lab following closely behind. I would go barefoot the majority of the time and stomp through mud puddles.
For me, clothes were just something to cover up the necessary "private" parts but other than that were for comfort and functionality. I wore baggy t-shirts and jeans or shorts. I would only get "nice" clothes for special occasions or at the beginning of the school year. My parents mostly picked those out for me. I would have stuck with the t-shirts and jeans otherwise. I was required to wear a dress to church every Sunday until about high school when I discovered I could wear dress slacks instead. I didn't hate clothes, but I didn't care much about them either. Its not like I want to walk around naked, I just didn't focus a lot on how clothes make me appear to others.
At some point, probably at the end of middle school when I had my first date, I started to feel the pressure to "dress up". I had probably felt some of it before that but basically didn't give a rat's ass. Maybe it was puberty and the hormones that made me give in a little at first. Maybe it was all of a sudden having to very close best friends who were testing out makeup and styling their clothes. It was never said by anyone that I had to dress a certain way. It was sort of implied by the disapproving stares or the indirect conversations around me. No one picked on me for how I dressed. I was friends with or nice to everyone and also kind of a tomboy so they either liked me or left me alone.
This week my 10 month old pulled all our DVDs and picture albums out of the cabinet. My mom who was keeping them at the time was able to put all of it back except for one album that just wouldn't fit. I found it when I got home and flipped through it. I was amused at the way my parents dressed me (and my bi-level/mullet) when I was little. It was the 80's so there was some ridiculous stuff going on fashion wise. (BTW, who's idea was it to bring that style back?!)
I was and still do feel just fine about how I dressed myself growing up. I dressed for me, not for someone else. When I was told to dress "nice"by someone else, I was the most uncomfortable. Somewhere along the way it because something I had to do in order to get respect from others. It was probably when I got my first job. Business casual was the requirement for most of my jobs. It was only when I interned at the paper mill that I got to wear my t-shirt and jeans. I was more comfortable working in the mill in my bright orange t-shirt and jeans where there was possible danger all around than walking around in my "dressy" clothes asking people if they needed help finding something.
Even today, I am most comfortable (and more productive) on casual Fridays when I get to wear jeans than the rest of the week in my business casual outfits. Even the word has a different meaning for me. I'd rather wear a "get-up" than an "outfit". "Get-ups" were what my mom would call whatever it was that I would throw on in the morning to head outside to play. When I wear "get-ups" it's what I'm going to do that's important. When I have to wear "outfits" it's my appearance that's important. This is where I have an issue.
No one has said anything to me, but I've made a few observations over the years. I mostly wear black pants, black flats, and some sort of plain color shirt. I didn't realize until recently that what I was doing was my own version of a get-up/outfit. Wearing "dressy" enough clothes so I fit in, but not so much that draws attention to myself. For me it's about the work that I'm doing that I'm most concerned with because what I'm doing is something that I'm passionate about. It's not because I don't care about myself that I dress the way I do. In fact, it's because I care more about myself than what anyone else thinks of my appearance that I dress the way I do. This does not mean that I think everyone should dress this way. I can appreciate a cool outfit that you've put together. I just don't feel the need to point it out because your appearance is not what matters to me. I care about what you have to say and what's in your heart. However, at the same time I understand that we are all a product of our society and society states that we should comment on women's appearance because obviously it's what gives them value. I understand that this is something that even the most confident of feminists may struggle with.
So back to lunch with my friend... We were talking about how we dress being about how we "present" ourselves. I was struggling to explain to her that it is my words and actions that I use to "present" myself, not the clothes I wear. I understand that because of our society people will make certain assumptions about me because of the clothes I wear. I can't go around worrying about what other people think because even if I tried my hardest to go with current fashion trends, you can't change people's perceptions to be what you want them to be. I just have to do me. And that is what I will do. And you know what, you can do you too. Whatever you are most comfortable in, go with it. If you are most comfortable wearing the latest trends and shoes that when you take them off your feet throb, go right ahead. You will not hear any judgement from me. We are all on our own journeys and, not to sound selfish, I am only concerned about my journey. I am certainly happy to talk with you about your journey and the things you like and think. However, I'm not going to try to convince you to follow my same path or dress the same as me, so please don't try to do that to me and we'll be cool. Peace. :-)
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