I just flew all the way from Virginia to Arizona to attend the
one-day Body Love Conference, brainchild of The Militant Baker and her friends.
The goal of the conference is to promote body love and self-confidence. Of
course I had to come out for that! If I had to list my life's passions that
would be at the top of the list. I am so grateful for Jes and her crew for
putting this together. I left feeling inspired, empowered, and with a lot more
moxie, sass, confidence and things to reflect on. It's an amazing feeling to be
surrounded by people who look like you, especially since I never see people
like me represented in the media that we are bombarded with everyday.
The flight to Arizona was long but totally worth it. When I
finally got a window seat I took lots of pictures of the beautiful landscapes
of our country. I've never flown this far west so it was amazing to see the
differences from back home. I have to admit, I had a brief “where the hell am I”
moment once I saw all that dessert. LOL However, I soon discovered the charm of
Tucson. Here are a few shots from my trip and the conference for your viewing
pleasure (click the link below for more pictures).
We had quite a variety of awesome workshops to choose from.
Next year I hope they offer them more than once because it was hard to just chose
four. I tried to pick workshops I thought would give me ideas for something I
could bring back to the campus where I work. I was thinking about potential
speakers as well as themes that might appeal to our students. You know you
always gotta be on the cutting edge to keep the attention of traditional-aged
students. After Jes Baker's super inspirational welcome we jumped right into
the day.
My first workshop was "Expanding Definitions of Beauty:
Redefining the Thin White Ideal". I chose this because I've been thinking
a lot lately about the experiences of women of color with beauty standards. I
know that the "ideal" beauty we always see in the media usually only
includes white women or white-washed women of color. Pia Schiavo-Campo gave
some great examples of this just from screenshots from her Google Images search
for "Hollywood Actresses". The women pretty much all looked like the
same person. When she searched for African American, Latina and Asian Hollywood
actresses you could see just how white-washed they were. Intellectually I knew
this, but actually seeing it was quite disturbing. To help add diversity to the
media, she encouraged us to take pictures of the diverse women around us, post
them on social media and tag them with #RadicalDiversity ("Actively
insisting on extreme changes in existing homogeneous views, habits, conditions,
& institutions that systematically include or marginalize people who are
differently-abled, fat, non-white, aging, or do not fit into the gender
binary.") She also talked about how to take a complement (say "Thank
you!") and encouraged us not to apologize for taking up space. You know
that feeling you get when women around you start to police/pick apart another
woman for what she's wearing or how she looks? Well, Pia suggested three ways
to handle it: say "I don't want to be a part of this conversation"
and walk away; change the topic and make it obvious; or call them out
("Hey, why are you hating on her..."). We have a voice and we should
use it to stop the mean girl talk.
For my next workshop I chose "The Body is Not anApology" by Sonya Renee Taylor. I was excited to hear her speak since I
had missed her when she was on my campus a couple years ago. I heard rave
reviews about her so I knew I was in for a treat. She did not disappoint. Not
only was she engaging, but she was also funny and empowering. She asked us to
remember that "thing" that happened that made us first realize we
weren't good enough according to society's standards. For me it was standing in
line for the bathroom with my classmates in 1st or 2nd grade. My two friends in
front of me were talking about how much they weighed. When I realized I weighed
more than either of them and that it was a "bad" thing according to
them and the rest of the world, something in me changed. My confidence took a
big hit and from then on out I always worried about whether or not I was pretty
enough. It's taken me a long time to get to a point where I don't give a shit
about what other people think or whether or not I fit society's ideas of beauty
and it's a constant struggle to keep that confidence. I mean, it's seen as
radical to love your body in a world where the messages we get bombarded by
through the media are all telling us we're not good enough and Photoshopping is
standard practice. The weight loss and beauty industries spend billions of
dollars a year on advertising telling us we need to fix ourselves. As Sonya
says, body hate is something we learn, not something we're born with. She
showed us pictures of adorable babies loving their bodies (bellies, feet,
etc...) and I see this in my son Myles who's almost 2 years old. It's the same
with racism. We aren't born with hate in our hearts toward ourselves or others,
this is something that we are socialized to feel. Luckily, since this is
taught, she says, it can be untaught. As Gloria Steinem says the hardest part
is not to learn, but to unlearn. We certainly have our work cut out for us. She
also touched on a point that I love to make when discussing body image and
beauty ideals. The beauty industry serves to distract us from getting equity
(just think of what we could accomplish with all that time, money and energy
wasted on trying to fit an unrealistic beauty ideal). She called it smoke
screens. We're indoctrinated, she says, to think what things are and aren't
important which gives others power and control over us. "How you feel
about your body has political, economic & social impact on a global
scale." We don't think about this because trying to reach an unobtainable
beauty standard has become habit and we're all on automatic pilot. It's time to
wakeup and start a RUCHUS (Radically Unapologetic Healing Challenge 4 US). I
haven’t figured out what mine will be just yet, but believe me the wheels are
turning. When I figure it out, I will be tweeting it to #tbinaa (The Body Is
Not An Apology).
Tess Munster, plus size model, make-up artist, body positive activist and blogger, was our
keynote speaker. She told her story of being bullied growing up and how she has
survived all the obstacles that life has thrown at her. She certainly went
through a lot and I think most of us had tears in our eyes hearing everything
she had to deal with. She had several empowering messages for us. First, “never
give up”. Sounds simple, but having heard what she experienced reminded me that
my “struggles” were nothing compared to hers and if she can get through
adversity and succeed, then I certainly can. Second, she reminded us “nothing
is impossible”. I hear so many women say things like they’d like to be able to
do things they deem a “dream” or “fantasy” because of course they couldn’t do
that. It’s so disheartening to hear women talk that way. Tess is a perfect
example of how you can do anything you put your mind to. Third, “we all deserve
to be loved”. It doesn’t matter if we don’t fit the “ideal” standard of beauty,
we’re all human, valuable, and deserve love. Fourth, “sexy is not a size”. I
wanted to yell out “preach” on this one. I feel sexy sometimes but the media
only shows us one example of what they think that should look like. One of my
sister conference-goers went to a burlesque workshop and afterwards told me
that she felt so sexy because of the experience. We’re all told we’re not good
enough and it’s beautiful to be reminded that we are. It’s society that’s
messed up. (I’m totally playing “Pretty Hurts” by Beyonce in my head right now
thinking about this.)” Fifth, “we’re much more powerful together”. I think
sometimes we forget that we’re not the only ones who experience bullying and
fat shaming due to our society’s unrealistic beauty standards. Seeing the 400
other women in that room that were all on the same page as me about body love
was very powerful.
Pia showed us a quote from Audre Lorde in her workshop that
said “Women are powerful and dangerous”. She’s so right on with that. I think
these “smoke screens” (as Sonya called them) or requirements for our physical
appearance serves to distract us from that power because just imagine what we
could accomplish if we didn’t spend all of our time thinking about our
appearance. Sixth, “our body is okay as it is”. Jes talked to us in her opener
about not waiting to do what we want to do until we lose weight. We can
accomplish our goals with the body that we have. Seventh, “surround yourself
with positive people”. This seemed to be a theme throughout the whole day.
Being around people who accept you for who you are and what you look like with
no judgment is a very powerful feeling. I felt myself walk with more confidence
while I was among that amazing group of women. Eight, “sex is better with the
lights on”. No comment. I’m not about to talk about my sex life with y’all up
here. LOL Ninth, “if you want to eat cookies and ice cream, fucking eat the
cookies and ice cream”! We should be able to indulge when we want to. Our body
speaks to us and if it says it wants a cookie then give it a cookie. And for
goodness sake, don’t say you’ll eat salad for your next meal or something like
that. Just enjoy your cookie and move on. I love her story and her message. I
even bought one of her “Eff Your Beauty Standards” t-shirts even though it had
pink on it. That says a lot for me because I am not a fan of pink. LOL
The next session I chose was “Reclaiming Body Trust” by the ladies
from Be Nourished. They have such an amazing concept for their business. One is a
counselor and the other is a registered dietitian. Their philosophy is “we
don’t know what size you should be and we’re the only one with the balls to
tell you that truth”. They focus on getting you out of the diet mentality. If
you’re focusing on weight loss, even if you’re “not on a diet”, you’re in a
diet mentality. Many women don’t realize that this applies to them and are
shocked when the light bulb clicks on. Be Nourished practices from a
weight-neutral perspective. They encouraged us to be present in our bodies and
to stop “fixing” and “checking” (weighing, measuring, wondering what others
think of us) ourselves. The dietitian pointed out that we are “prescribing for
fat people the very behaviors that we diagnose as disordered eating in thin
people”. How fucked up is that?! She also said it was no coincidence that the
first beauty pageant was held just a few months after women won the right to
vote. I never knew this but it pissed me off. Every time women make advances,
whether politically, socially or economically, there is some sort of backlash
pushing us two steps backward and it usually centers around beauty. I’m going
to have to do more research on the historical accuracy (my husband would like
that, he’s a history lover) but it wouldn’t surprise me if she were right about
that. At the end they asked us to tell our neighbor that “body trust is your
birth right” to encourage us to trust our bodies because they show up for us
everyday. They have an e-workshop that will become available soon that I’m
excited to sign up for.
My last session was “Loving Your Body Online”. Our speaker was
Meghan Tonjes who is a YouTube sensation. I have to admit I had not heard of
her, but I’m following her on Twitter now and will be checking out her videos
as well. I feel like I have not really delved in to the feminist world on
YouTube much quite yet. I’m just finally feeling making great connections and
engaging in feminism on Twitter, so baby steps. I’m excited to learn that
there’s a whole other group of activists to tap in to though. She started a
YouTube collective called “Project Lifesize” for plus size and/or average sized
women to tell their stories and experiences. It ended 4 years ago but I’m still going to going to go back and watch videos. She started from scratch on a small
scale just like I have. The fates worked together for her and she ended up on
the Ellen show! That would be freaking fantastic! AND she got to meet Adele! I
started to think, “if Ellen ever invites me to her show, who would I want her
to surprise me with”. (A girl can dream, right?!) I’ve already met Gloria
Steinem (who I adore an I still have the hairspray she gave me because she
couldn’t carry it on the plane), Margaret Cho (who’s hilarious and I still have
the pen she used to sign an autograph for me) and Kathleen Hanna (of Bikini Kill, who is a
badass but didn’t leave me with a memento but that’s cool because just having
my picture taken with her and spending time with her was awesome enough)
because I have an awesome job that brought these women to me (my campus). Don’t
laugh at me for keeping those two things. LOL They helped me to remember the
wonderful experience of meeting them. So, if I had to decide today it would be
Beyonce just so I could talk feminism with her. Maybe Myles could play with
Blue since they’re the same age. Although, it would also be awesome to meet
Maya Angelou (who I really enjoyed hearing tell stories when she came to
Virginia last year…she’s funny!). This has inspired me to make a list of women
that I’d like to meet one day! I’ll save that for another blog post. Back to
the conference! The message that I got from Meghan was to “not be afraid to
start something” because “people are going to say shit regardless of how you
look or what you do” so you might as well do/be what you want. She encouraged
us to just “be kind to ourselves and others”. I did pick up a few hashtags to
check out while I was there: #effyourbeautystandards, #honoryourcurves, and
#fatkini (which I might have to find one for this summer).
Me and Body Love Conference Organizer, Jes Baker (AKA The Militant Baker)
Overall the conference was badass. It was so inspiring,
empowering, uplifting, and much needed. Having positive body image and not
letting those negative messages seep into your psyche is a daily struggle. Even
among feminists it’s easy to get sucked back in to it because we’re bombarded
by these negative messages about our bodies every day. We’re told to focus on
our outward appearance if we want to be accepted and valued. I tried to
describe my struggles with trying not to focus on people’s appearance with the
folks I brought with me to the conference. Basically I don’t tend to comment or
complement women on their hair, weight, clothes, beauty, etc… just because I
don’t want them to get the message that I value them for that. I value them for
their character, humanity, personality, etc… I did have one instance where
someone actually felt offended because I didn’t talk about beauty products and
clothes because she felt she couldn’t talk about them in front of me. It’s
really frustrating being misunderstood, but it’s something I’m working on. I
guess I just have to tell people what I’m doing so they’ll get the point. Every
now and then I will comment on something that really stands out to me like a
cool pair of shoes or awesome shirt, but it’s only because I’m admiring the
item and not their appearance in it. It’s rare but it does happen. I am trying
to shift the world around me to stop thinking of women’s power and worth in
terms of fashion, weight and beauty. Hopefully I can do so in a way that opens
eyes and doesn’t offend anyone because that’s not my intent.
There was talk of having another Body Love Conference next year
and I’m super hopeful that it happens. It was an amazing experience. I loved
that they had a hashtag (#blc or #bodyloveconference) that I could use to connect
with other conference-goers. Thank you to The Militant Baker and her crew for
bringing this into our world! Here’s to body love y’all!
